EXPECTATIONS

They overwhelm you and eat you up and order you around. Being the person that I am, I try so hard. I lie, I cheat, I do anything to ensure that I fulfil everyone's, the teacher's, the society's, my parents' , my friends' expectations, but I lose myself in the process.

Sometimes, I think what am I doing? Why? What does it even give me? Will my life be different if I let people down? I know I will never be able to live free of these expectations. They drag me down and change me, they chain me, but they also give me purpose. If nobody expects anything from you, what are you worth? What do you do in life?

It's this paradox that confuses me so deeply. If we stopped having expectations in people, they would be free to do whatever they wanted, be themselves, but they would feel worthless, as though they weren't worthy enough to place any expectations on. I've experienced both the crushing weight of too many expectations placed on me, and the self hatred of having none.

When you do really well in something, people expect you to constantly excel at that something. Expectations. And then if you don't, you feel horrible. Utterly devastated. But if nobody expects anything from you anyway, you lack the motive to excel at anything.

The idealistic way to deal with this is to have your own expectations set for yourself and be unaffected by what the world wants from you, but is that even possible?

Humans depend on each other. We're afraid of being ostracised. No matter how carefree the person, I believe the world leaves a permanent mark on all of us. We can't help but be changed. It's instinct. A survival instinct. Much like camouflage.

I'm being burdened by so many expectations. Expectations set for myself and expectations put on me by others.

My parents expect me to show my love for them and care for them and spend family time with them and make them happy.

My friends want my attention. They want me to be fun loving, interesting, and nice.

My teachers expect me to participate in class, ask HOT questions, be hardworking, and excel at my studies. They want me to be honest, innocent, and pure.

I expect myself to be a moral, ethical person who lives up to all of these expectations.

I want to be free, happy. I want happiness and peace. Long lasting happiness and peace. And expectations seem thoroughly confusing and paradoxical to me. I'm wondering whether doing anything is worth it?

Expectations increase, trust increases, burden increases, guilt increases, and at one point you think it's too much and then you're lost.

And sometimes, after this point either the blame game begins, or the self hatred begins.