Sunday 10 September 2017

My Blue

Blue means everything to me. Any shade, any variation of blue will find a place in my heart. I've found out that things I love, I associate with the color blue. Whenever I meet people, I unconsciously classify them into colors. The people I acknowledge to be blue are usually the ones that I think are interesting and different from the others.

My eternal, undying love for all the hues of blue is probably one of the major reasons why I love swimming or even just looking at the water. I try my best to be impartial, but there is one shade of blue that holds a special place in my heart. The cold, piercing, electrifying blue that excites me is the one I love the most. I associate that shade of blue with everything I love endlessly, like music and technology and math. I can't begin to explain how much that color means to me, but to start, here's a descriptive text dedicated to my favorite shade of blue. It might seem more like a description of water, but believe me when I say that every time I look at this shade of blue, I feel everything that I have described below. Every time I go swimming, I feel this way. Remember, the water and the color blue are basically synonymous here. Forgive me if it feels like I’m drifting from the main topic at any point.

The freezing air bit at every millimeter of my body that was not covered by the flexible waterproof fabric of my swimsuit. Meters of pure blueness stared up at me, still and as unyielding as stone. My thoughts were conflicted. I wanted to feel the electrocuting chill of the water, to be lost in its seemingly eternal depth, yet I hesitated. I knew that if I entered, my soul would yearn to stay even as my mind and body fought for survival. My soul overrode the logic of my mind and the protests of my shivering body as I dived into the azure water.

Suddenly, it was everywhere. The unadulterated aquamarine surrounded me, encasing me in a shell of liquid sapphire and my body curled up into fetal position immediately in reaction to the frostiness of the water. My critical brain struggled to think, to form comprehensible thought, but the unsullied blue of the water bombarded my senses, desisting to let me contemplate anything but the indisputable richness of its color. I let it take over with a feeling of relief, reassured that down here, no thoughts would plague me. My mind would be blissfully empty, even if it was just for a second. Tendrils of ultramarine water crawled around me, releasing knots of tension in my contracted body that I didn't even know existed. The bitter chlorine penetrated my mouth, leaving a nasty taste on my tongue, but I hardly noticed. I was lost, and I was home, and I was nowhere all at the same time. Nothing existed but this fluid tanzanite bubble that sheltered me from noise, people, emotions, and the burden of my own thoughts. I no longer remained an inhabitant of the physical world. My spirit had left behind the cumbersome weight of its prison and finally was light, free to take on any avatar of its choice.

The water and its color were everything all at once. Its thickness offered protection, and its transparency whispered promises of independence; Its harshness pricked at my conscience, and its beauty soothed my pain; its endlessness frightened me, and the ultimatum of its presence gave me a sense of security; Its depths threatened eternal damnation in hell, while the clear blue stretch above me symbolized hope of an easy ascent to heaven; The fluidity of its waves, the way they never seemed to travel in the same pattern twice indicated my ever-changing future if I chose to remain, and its rigidity promised some sort of structure to my life; Gentle caresses smothered me in love, while its constant pressure drowned me in its anger; The push of its waves boosted my confidence, even as the gentle tugging of its depth reminded me to remain humble; Its presence encouraged my kindness, my willingness to see good in everything, but its constant poking reprimanded me to be a bit less trusting of people.

It seemed to take pride in its honesty and simplicity, but secretive winks shared suggested to me a web of complex white lies too meaningful for me to comprehend. The grin of its ripples indicated its happiness at just being alive, but behind the light, frivolous smiles there seemed to lie a deep sadness. Sadness that I immediately wanted to banish to a place where it couldn't hurt the water and its color anymore. I wanted to offer the color blue what it never failed to offer me - a place that would always, always be ready to provide whatever it needed. A place where it could forget all its burdens and experience pure happiness. I did not want to share this with anyone, this bond, this emotion, that me and the water enjoyed. It was something for only the both of us to experience.

Then, the pain began. Fire in my chest and throat. Oxygen leaking out of me and chlorine taking its place. Pain that could very well kill me. I scrambled for the surface, scared of being permanently scarred. My head broke through the surface of the water and I breathed, the pain subsiding slowly. In that moment, all I could feel was rage, absolute hatred for the water and the color that had so cruelly tried to hurt me after I had given it nothing but love and acceptance. I cursed at it and splashed around, trying to hurt it as much as it had hurt me. A deep sense of betrayal compelled me to exit the swimming pool and I stood outside, hating that it had reduced me into this pathetic, shivering creature.

I vowed to never return, to never let it have the pleasure of teasing me so again. It looked at me, amused at my futile attempts to try and resist, enjoying my anger. I took my towel and wrapped it around myself, ready to leave, telling myself that this time, I would leave for sure. The surface of the water glinted smugly, knowing that I would be back for more soon enough. The sun shined a little brighter, always the sly supporter of the water, and its rays lit up the inside of the place I had just called home.

That’s it. I was gone all over again. The pain, the betrayal, the hatred, everything evaporated immediately. Everything was instantaneously forgiven. All that remained was the heartbreakingly beautiful blue. I smiled reluctantly, conceding to its irresistible beauty. It grinned back, a feeling of triumph lighting its surface. My towel came off and I was back in only my swimming suit, my body poised to dive back into the water, my soul knowing that no matter how many times I tried to convince myself otherwise, I would eventually end up here in this very position every single time, not being able to say no. Meters of pure blueness stared up at me, understanding that I had realized the fact that my soul was entirely in its control, and the blue smiled innocently. I hit it, splashing water everywhere, and then dived in, resigning myself to my annoying, but beautiful fate.


That’s all I’ve got for now. I hope whoever is reading this, liked it! If anybody thinks I should write more about blue, tell me. I’ve got so much to say about it I don’t think this one post is enough.






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